When I Say I'm Sorry
by FoxChaos
Summary: "When Rachel showed up at her apartment, Santana tried slamming the door in her face." Pezberry. Possible trigger warning. Mentions of bad things.


_((A/N: I don't. Even. Know. I have this horrible and sick obsession with making Rachel cry and I am a horrible human for doing it but the story practically wrote itself. Literally. I was trying to sleep and it played out in my head. I'm sorry Rachel. I love you. I do. ;_; Also. Pezberry. Duh.))_

* * *

When Rachel showed up at her apartment, Santana tried slamming the door in her face.

"Santanawait!" cried out the little diva, throwing her weight against the door with all her might and forcing it open, barreling her way into the apartment and almost collapsing on the floor when the taller girl moved out of her way without a second thought. Rachel managed to catch herself, though, and swallowed thickly, eyes red and puffy and already stinging with more tears as she looked at the cold, indifferent face of her… most likely ex-girlfriend. "Santana, please, _please _let me just explain. Please. I-"

The law student's glare sharpened as a scowl turned into an icy sneer. "You cheated on me, Rachel. You fucking cheated on me and now you wanna _explain_? Fuck. You." She moved forward to force the other girl to leave, but was fought against even as Rachel tried desperately to speak.

"I didn't- Santana, I swear I don't-"

Grabbing Rachel roughly by the arm she pinned her to the door, fighting against the way her stomach twisted at the girl's wince and how her heart clenched at the tears. Keeping up her front, she hissed,

"Didn't _what_, Rachel? Didn't _fuck _a guy at your little show party? Didn't _cum _on some guy's _dick_? Didn't _what!_" She was so, so angry with the cowering girl. But more than that she was hurt. Incredibly, impossible hurt. And Santana Lopez didn't like being hurt like that, so she went to the only defense she knew and called up Snix. She got angry. She got mean. And she tried getting heartless but- Fuck, seeing Rachel so terrified just made her feel sick.

She backed off, letting the girl go and watching as she slumped to the floor, body quivering and arms wrapping around herself tightly.

"I…-" Rachel swallowed again, trying to force words from her tight, unresponsive throat. "I don't know…" she whispered, looking up to the girl towering above her with crossed arms and hurtful, merciless eyes. Santana scoffed, rolling her eyes.

"Lemme lay it out for you, dwarf. When you screw someone behind your girlfriend's back, it's called cheating. Clear enough?"

Rachel hiccupped, and her body wouldn't stop shaking any more than the tears that had finally flooded over would stop streaming. "T-that's- that's what I- I mean, 'tana. I- I don't-" she paused to try and catch her breath. "_I don't know what happened_."

Santana threw her arms in the air. "What part of fucking someone don't you fucking under-"

"I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING, SANTANA!" shouted Rachel, before she collapsed in on herself, body wracked with sobs as she rambled and gasped. "I just- I don't remember anything at all. There was just- j-just this g-guy, and he'd been h-hi-hitting on me and I told him- Santana I _told _him to go away an-and that I had a girlfriend and that- Please, Santana, I didn't want- I swear I didn't mean for anything to h-happen!"

There was a long, tense silence; the air only filled with the whimpers and hiccups of the crying girl on the floor. Santana was frozen. She didn't know what to do with this information. She hadn't expected it. What did Rachel mean she couldn't remember anything? She had said no? Wait- wait, was she- What had-

Before she allowed herself to break into panic, the taller girl slowly took a step forward, hating the way Rachel closed up even more at the movement. Kneeling down just as slowly, keeping a foot or so between them, the next thing Santana said was cautious, but she kept any real concern from her voice. "What… What do you remember, Rachel? How much do you remember?"

The small singer looked up at the slightly softer eyes in front of her and sucked in a shaky breath. "There was the guy…" she started slowly, and Santana could see her drawing into her own memories as she continued to speak. "He s-said I did well in the play. I- I mean I thanked him, of course. And I was going to find you, when he asked if I was single. I told him I wasn't. I swear Santana I told him I wasn't. And he just… He just smiled…" Rachel shuddered, and the other girl extended a hand out, gently setting it on her arm. "I had already drank a little. I didn't think- I should have known- I should have just walked away and found you and-"

"Rachel." It wasn't snapped out, but it made the girl stop her anxious rambling anyway. Santana carefully began moving her hand up and down Rachel's arm. "Just tell me what happened, okay?"

Nodding, the diva sniffled. "He offered to get me a drink. I accepted. It was just a drink. I- I looked away for a moment. I know I shouldn't have. I know better. I do. But I was looking for you, or one of my castmates, and then he offered the drink to me, with that- with that smile, and then-"

Gut twisting in complete and utter guilt, Santana had a feeling she knew where this story was about to go.

"I just remember feeling dizzy. Then I was- I don't even know. I can't even _remember_. There was just. Just something happened. And there was- there was t-touching. Or something. And then yelling. Santana there was so much yelling and I- …I woke up, at some point…" Rachel's voice had gotten small. Smaller than Santana had ever heard it. "I woke cold, on the floor in a room I didn't recognize, and then you came in, and you were so mad, and you were screaming- and I didn't even know why. I didn't- You left. You left and I didn't know what had happened and you left." By that point Rachel completely broke down, unable to say anything else.

Santana felt like a complete and utter _asshole_. Worse than that. She was just a horrible human being. A _disgusting excuse _for a human being. Her girlfriend had probably just been fucking date raped and she accused her of _cheating_.

Slowly, hoping for all she was worth that Rachel wouldn't push away despite how much Santana completely deserved that, she scooted closer to the trembling, sobbing girl and wrapped her arms around her. Rachel all but fell into Santana, immediately clinging to her shirt and not even thinking twice about curling as close to the taller brunette as she could manage. Not about to let a second chance go to waste, the law student tightened her grip on her girlfriend and buried her nose in the space between her neck and shoulder. "I'm sorry, Rachel," she whispered, over and over again. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." She felt Rachel shake her head and try to pull away, but only tightened her hold.

"N-no. Santana I had s-sex with someone else. I- I cheated and I-"

"_No_," interrupted Santana firmly, pulling back just a enough to take Rachel's face in her hands. "You did _nothing wrong. _Do you hear me? Absolutely nothing."

"But I-"

"_Rachel._ _Fuck._" She could feel tears in her own eyes. Oh God. Just the thought of someone doing that to her girl. Her tiny little Rachel. And then she goes and makes the girl think it's her fault. Because she's disgusting. She's completely disgusting and here's Rachel trying to tell her how horrible _she _is instead. It was so completely twisted and wrong that Santana fucking swore she'd spend the rest of her life making this up to the singer if it was the last thing she ever did. "You were _raped_," choked out the ex-cheerleader. "Rachel. You were- You got _drugged_, and _raped,_ and I just _accused you of cheating on me_." Nothing would ever make that okay. Ever.

In return, Rachel just held onto Santana tighter. She was terrified, truth be told. Not of Santana, but of not knowing what had happened. She didn't want to think that she had been… That _that _had happened. She didn't want to believe it. "Please don't say that… I can't- I don't even want to think about it. Please just don't," she whimpered, burying her face in the girl's chest again.

Biting her tongue and taking Rachel back into her arms, she listened as the erratic, wet breaths slowly evened themselves out and as the tears against her collarbones slowed. When Rachel's body slumped against hers completely, she knew the smaller girl had passed out from sheer exhaustion. Carefully, and as gently as she could, she lifted them to their feet, then swept Rachel into her arms. She carried her to her bedroom and laid her down, uncurling the slightly smaller hands from her shirt as she did so. It was only noon, but after everything that had just happened sleep seemed like a perfect idea. So, maneuvering Rachel to the middle of the bed and under the covers, Santana slipped under the covers as well and encircled her arms around the diva's waist. She pulled Rachel into her, taking a deep breath in through her nose, and slowly let the air out, her chest shuddering.

She didn't know what she was going to do. She knew she had to make sure Rachel wasn't pregnant. She knew she had to find that fucker and make him wish he had never laid eyes on Rachel, nor would ever look at another women ever again. And she knew that she had to spend the rest of her life making everything up to the girl. She still didn't know how she was going to do that, but she figured that holding Rachel for as long as she wanted to be held, and giving Rachel everything she could offer for as long as she'd have her was as good a start as any.

"I'll be better, Rachel," whispered Santana into the little brunette's hair. "I'll do better. I'll protect you better. And God I swear, I fucking _swear_ I'll never let you hurt like this again."

Santana drifted off soon after, and despite everything, both had a little more hope in tomorrow.


End file.
